Archive for January, 2016

Exodus Review

Tuesday, January 26th, 2016

This is a review of the second of the sixty six books of a novel called The Bible.

If you read the previous review for the book of Genesis, you will have read that this story written by many different authors, over numerous centuries, contains a main protagonist, who remains unnamed but who creates many other characters and the planet on which they dwell.

Up until this point, tens of characters have been named within the book of Genesis. However, this second book, named Exodus centres around one particular character in addition to our protagonist. This book therefore is slightly easier to follow as it doesn’t race ahead in time so much and takes place predominantly in one city.

The city in question is an incredibly advanced civilisation by this point and has a tyrannical leader who has enslaved another group whom our protagonist favours.

This dictator has all of the new born babies born of the slaves murdered which our protagonist takes exception to. Nobody is to be doing any murdering except him it seems, although our protagonist seems to pick and choose which murderers are ok to get away without punishment.

One baby in particular managed to escape this wrath on account of his mother sending him downstream in a river at birth. This boy was found by the daughter of the dictator and taken in by them.

The boy grew into a man and murdered one of the dictator’s subjects then fled the slave city.

The next part is peculiar as our protagonist then appears. But he doesn’t appear in person like he did with the other characters, he appears as a bush on fire. The author doesn’t bother to explain why.

Our protagonist (the bush) tells the man that he has chosen him and the slaves, but he will need to go back and free the slaves. The chosen one protests that the tyrannical dictator is too strong and would have him killed for insubordination.

The chosen one and his brother went to the dictator and told him to be more lenient towards the slaves and they performed magic in an attempt to scare him, however, the dictator made the slaves work harder instead.

Our protagonist then gets involved again, but instead of killing the tyrant like he did with the entire species he created in Genesis, he sends plagues of insects, frogs, disease and pestilence to ravage the city. This part of the story is what may have given Ian Fleming the ideas behind Bond villain’s execution techniques, because, like James Bond, the didctator ignored everything thrown at him.

Then our protagonist played the tyrant at his own game and started killing all newborn boys. At this point  the dictator finally caves in and allows the slaves to leave the city. As they’re fleeing however, the dictator reneges on this and sends his army after them. The chosen gang reach the ocean where our protagonist splits the waters creating a tunnel for them to walk through. Once they make it across, the army try to cross and the water closes in and drowns them.

The next few months are spent in the desert walking aimlessly towards a plot of land that our protagonist has earmarked for the chosen gang to live in. This comes with a caveat, however. They must carry the word of the existence and laws of our protagonist into their new land with them. The chosen gang make our protagonist aware of the fact that they do not know what his laws are. It never dawned on our protagonist to bother laying any laws down until now.

This is a bit of a plot flaw on the part of the authors, as they have written into the story that our protagonist has twice committed mass genocide on his own creation and punished them numerous times for breaking laws that they were not aware existed. If I were writing this story, I’d have had our protagonist set the laws on the seventh day of the world existing…or on an eighth day if there wasn’t time.

Another plot flaw is that our protagonist built and entire planet, eco system and universe beyond this, was able to be in all of it at once and see everything, but the authors write that he chose these slaves to teach his laws to others who didn’t know of them. Why didn’t the authors just have him write the laws across the sky so everyone could see them? Maybe in the form of the beginning of Star Wars with the scrolling text.

Anyway, our protagonist has a meeting with the chosen one at the top of a mountain and writes the laws in stone for him to show the rest of the gang. During this time, the gang get bored and make a sheep out of gold and start worshipping it in what is a chronic moment of amnesia.

When the chosen one sees what’s been going on, he loses his temper and smashes the stones he’s just spent hours engraving, then tells everyone off.

They spend some time in the desert making offerings from precious metals and oils etc. the book of Exodus finishes while the chosen gang are doing this. The story of the chosen one and his gang is to be continued…

Although this book is a bit more coherent than its predecessor, there are still many gaps and lapses that make little sense. With the omnipotence of our protagonist, there was surely artistic licence there to really have him perform much more spectacular feats. Instead he just turns up hither and thither performing minor miraculous acts without showing his true potential, whilst making his creation slog and toil in both physical and emotional ignorance. 

Hopefully the other books will explain this better.

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Genesis Book Review

Monday, January 25th, 2016

I will be intermittently reviewing some books that you may see yourself wanting to read some time. I enjoy works of fiction and I’d like to inspire others to read them so hopefully these reviews will be of use to anyone considering which book they may choose to read next.

The last book I read was called The Bible. It is a huge novel written by hundreds of authors, made up of sixty six books of many chapters containing tales of violence, miracles, incest, homophobia, genocide, war, famine, zombies, UFO sightings and much more. This first review will be focussing on the first book: Genesis, comprised of fifty chapters.

The book begins with a main protagonist who spawns the rest of the characters in the book. He also spawns the actual environment in which the characters dwell. Throughout the course of the book, his interest wanes somewhat, but there are enough characters with individual side stories to ensure your interest does not.

So, the story is told in third person and tells of somebody creating an entire universe in a week. The authors do not explain the motivation behind this, so it is a bit difficult at first to care about this action. Animals are also created and right at the end, a humanoid, sentient couple are made for the main character to talk to.

Our protagonist swiftly falls out with the male and female humanoids after they ignore his command not to eat an apple that he put in their forest. For some reason, a snake, who also appears to be sentient even though it hadn’t technically been created that way, told them to eat it.

When the protagonist returns, a bizarre blame game ensues and punishments are dished out, even though nobody was given a second chance to rectify their actions. 

The humanoids had children and one of them murdered another, the story from here becomes slightly difficult to follow on account of the protagonist dissappearing from the story for a while and many characters  giving birth to many others in a long lineage that is tricky to keep up with.

A side story then emerges because the characters that have amassed and inhabited this make believe world seem to be running amok with lawless abandon, except for one character and his family who seems to be righteous. At this point, the main protagonist returns to find his creation in a bad state of disrepair, so instead of repairing it with his hands in the same way he built it in the first instance, he decides to flood it with water with the exception of the righteous man and his family. He forewarns them to assemble a massive boat to fit each gender of over ten billion species of animal so that they don’t drown.

After the water has abated, the family spread out and each of the sons lived in different parts of the world. What isn’t explained however, is how the sons had families of their own if everybody had drowned, they must have maybe copulated with their own mother.

There seems to be a lot of assumed incest in the story as there are many lineages stemming from only one family. This happens twice in Genesis.

Our protagonist sticks around for a while to help pull the strings in the society he created and is trying to help grow. Many civilisations spring up, but our protagonist only seems to favour a very select few characters and seems irritated by the rest.

Some try to build a tower to reach him even though it would be impossible for such a tower to ever be big enough without people suffocating to death, the rest of Genesis plods along at a quite pedestrian pace for the remainder of the chapters.

Putin Will Probably Approve

Saturday, January 23rd, 2016

This week, in a court case to decide whether a man was poisoned as part of a state sponsored murder has taken place. 
The intention was to reach a yes or no verdict on whether Alexander Litvinenko was purposefully poisoned by Andrei Lugovoi and Dimitry Kovtun in a London cafe with the use of polonium-210. A radiation that has to be made in a nuclear reactor which induces a slow, painful, incurable death.

The three aforementioned men are Russian. Litvinenko, the man who lost his life, used to be a spy for Russia. However, the regime changed, he fell out with the current leader and fled to the UK in 2000. He was granted UK citizenship and gave away many Russian secrets to Westminster as well as becoming a journalist, critical of Putin.

Then in 2006, he meets with a couple of former colleagues for a pot of tea and dies from radiation poisoning three weeks later. Lugovoi and Kovtun and now living in Russia who are refusing to extradite them.

  
So back to the court case. The British public and politicians alike are awaiting to hear yes or no. Was this state sponsored?

The final verdict: probably. The British judicial system; one of the oldest on the planet has decided that Litvinenko was probably poisoned by the Russian state.

A triumph of justice! 62 witnesses in the last six months of hearings that have gone on in total for ten years have deduced that Putin’s regime probably murdered Alexander Litvinenko.

The prosecution said the murder was committed to “send a message…probably.”

Mr Litvinenko’s wife said outside court: “I’m very happy that the words my husband spoke on his deathbed when he accused Mr Putin have been proved by an English court…probably.”

Home Secretary, Theresa May said that it was a “blatant and unacceptable breach of international law…probably.”

The UK are going to continue to bomb children in the Middle East alongside Russia, however. Despite this probable nuclear attack on Britain’s streets. Kim Jong Un is said to be extremely jealous of the attack as North Korea have so far only managed very small nuclear attacks on it’s own streets.

Putin has allegedly said “I don’t know how its even possible to die from polonium-210 anyway. It’s the main ingredient in my signature aftershave…probably.”

Perhaps the Chilcott inquiry will have a similar verdict, or maybe Tony Blair could use that as his defence and say that there were probably WMDs in Iraq. That should no doubt get him off the hook.

Degeneration Chess

Friday, January 22nd, 2016

In the seventh century, Persia was conquered by Muslims. When this event occurred, there were a few aspects of Persian culture that their new conquerors indulged in. One of which being chess.  
However, the game is under scrutiny with a view to being banned as haram (forbidden) by the Saudi stem of Islam.

Saudi Arabia’s grand mufti (who ironically isn’t allowed to wear his own clothes to work on any day of the week) has realised after one thousand, three hundred years that chess is “included under gambling, a waste of time and a cause for hatred and enmity between players.”

Quite right too. If I know God (and I think I do), there’s nothing he hates more than people wasting their time. As the old saying goes “time maketh the man, and time waste is haram”.

He makes a good point regarding the hatred too. When my brother and I last played chess, he beat me and I launched into a tirade of violence. We haven’t spoken since, and I’m still yet to meet his teenage children. This is a common theme amongst chess rivals and it’s what the west was founded on, which is why it is so lawless.

Then there’s the gambling. I’ve been to rehab to get off my gambling on chess addiction. It all came to a head when I took an illicit trip to Las Vegas without telling my girlfriend. Once there, I got my ticket for the show of the year…the chess grand finals at the MGM arena!

I had ringside seats for the big match, my money was on Casperov…all of my money. Don King is promoting this match and as is customary, he lays out the boards with his signature chess pieces. The kings are both effigies of him and both queens are naked models, the bishops are Muhammad Ali, the Knights: Joe Frazier, the rooks: Mike Tyson and all the pawns are Bernard Hopkins. Fitting tributes to such men who dominated a second tier sport immortalised and controlled by the world’s greatest chess minds.

Michael Buffer enters the arena and announces the players. Casperov’s opponent was Johansen, a formidable former champion. The crowd goes wild when Buffer exclaims: “Llllllllllets get readyyyy to Roooyaaaaaaaaaal!” Two women in fur coats, dripping in jewellery sat either side of me stand up and show their appreciation.

Battle commences. Five of the most riveting hours of my existence see Casperov narrowly lose. As his mini statue of Don King is knocked horizontally by his opponent’s mini Mike Tyson to signify the check mate, and represent something that the real life Tyson would probably enjoy doing, I watch on in horror. What am I going to tell my girlfriend?

My life fell apart immediately after arriving home. Especially when I heard the rumours of Mafia involvement in Caspernov’s loss. Allegedly, he took a dive.

Get that fatwa issued, pronto, before it’s too late.

Beardrie Dish

Thursday, January 21st, 2016

Many cities around the world have been colonised by hipsters.

These colonies bring with them large vinyl collections that they started before everyone else, fixed gear bicycles, the conversion of all eateries to organic or vegan, overpriced cafes, pubs and thrift stores, but most visibly, they bring large unsightly beards.

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This foolish facial folly has become not only a staple, but a status symbol of the hipster colony.

But in a coincidental turn of events, another colony has emerged. A colony within the colonies, nay, upon the colonies.

Scientists from both sides of the Atlantic have taken to swabbing the beards of hipsters to find out whether anything resides within the hair, presumably with the intention of finding something unhygienic, as ammunition to campaign for the removal of these hideous fashion statements.

Eureka! Bacteria found in the small intestine linked to faeces has been spotted.

Unfortunately, a biologist from University College London said that the bacteria was common and not directly brought about by poo. Prompting a halt on the proposed beard cull on the grounds of faecal facials.

Instead, what has been witnessed is that many microbes live within beard colonies and that the healthy, strong, “good” bacteria actually fight off and expel such nasties from the colony as MRSA.

This is very much like what hipsters have done in cities that were once occupied by working class people. Expelling them from the colonies they used to occupy so freely.

But who is mimicking whom? Is this life imitating science, or science imitating life? But science is life, and vice versa.

This is a biological minefield.

Bear Rape Lie

Monday, January 18th, 2016

During the past few weeks, a Russian perfume company has concocted a fragrance that was inspired by Vladimir Putin.

Vladislav Rekunov has carefully monitored the chemicals produced by the Russian leader’s body and captured the perfect blend to be bottled and sold for 6,000 Roubles (that’s £57 featuring Queen Elizabeth’s face).

Vladislav says “it’s a warm scent, a textured scent. It’s soft but at the same time it’s very firm. Just like Vladimir’s bedside manner.”

The scents specifically are black currant and fir cones. These flavours are said to represent Vladimir’s favourite colour Fruit Pastille and his collection of cones from the forest floor last summer.

Putin is said to be extremely pleased by the tribute and the outcome of the product itself. He also defended the astronomic pricing saying “any decent bear-baiting man would spend 6,000 Roubles on a good strong aftershave.”

It has been rumoured that the aftershave has the fragrant power to lure bears from 5 miles away. Putin must have commissioned this to assist him in his bear-baiting. It is said that he is able to kill a bear with his bare hands and is a dab hand at avoiding being ripped apart by a bear’s bare hands. There has also been an unexplained migration of bears in the Russian countryside according to experts.

One advance user of the aftershave before it’s release was Leonardo di Caprio for the film The Revenant. Allegedly, Leo wanted his mauling scene to be as authentic as possible, so he used the perfume to lure the bear into the scene to confront him.

Leo lay for three hours before the female bear arrived. The director shouted “action!” Then the bear apparently raped Leo. This was clearly a sick joke on the part of the Kremlin as they have deliberately handed over a fragrance that bears are sexually attracted to without telling the makers of the film.

Fox have moved to say that the scene with the bear is not a rape scene on the grounds that it is impossible for a male to be raped by a female. Rape is a patriarchal crime.

Go Trump Hair

Friday, January 15th, 2016

Look at the above video.

For his campaign trail, Donald Trump has rewritten the Go Compare song and had some schoolgirls sing it live for him.

This fantastic adaptation is sure to win over the liberal and ethnic vote. They’ll forgive his anti Islamic and anti Mexican manifesto now that they’ve watched these girls perform so proficiently.

This song is the perfect answer to his critics, with such lyrics as “fiercely free”.

Trump’s idea of freedom is so fierce that nobody will be allowed into the country with him in charge unless they are American ex pats returning home (providing they’ve not converted to Islam). Sounds more or less like the kind of freedom that the founding fathers would have endorsed.

The young girls performing will no doubt be in for the life of Riley after this. They’ll get never ending respect from their peers, boys will be lining up to date them and surely a career on Broadway, or maybe even Hollywood awaits.

By the time the girls reach adulthood, they might be the only Hollywood stars left after China annexes the U.S.A because of Trump’s foreign policy.

We’ll all look back at this video as where it all started. The Trump dynasty starts here.

Go’el Weiwei.

Wednesday, January 13th, 2016

image

Lego has made a U-Turn recently on one of it’s company policies.

There was a rule in place whereby if someone was too lazy to collect or buy lots of pieces of Lego to make a large structure, and they asked Lego directly for the pieces, Lego would ask what they were for. If at that point, the person requesting the pieces were to disclose that it was for a politically motivated art project or anything similar, Lego would reject this request.

This is something that recently happened to political Chinese artist, Ai Weiwei. Ai was imprisoned in China some years ago for having opinions. Something apparently still illegal in some countries.

He was going to use some Lego bricks to build something reflecting his opinion on something to do with China. Lego, presumably in honour of their Chinese friends, in who’s country they would like to build a new Legoland, refused to let him do this in case they were stopped from expanding their business.

I’d imagine Lego would have been banned and China would have peddled one of it’s trademark fake brands in what is Lego’s fastest growing marketplace.

They probably would have named it Go’el as an instruction to Lego to go to hell using an anagram of it’s own name.

Fortunately though, Lego were able to foresee this and nip it in the bud.

However, since then, the China Legoland venture has fallen through, so I imagine as a middle finger to the Chinese establishment, they’ve gone back on their rule of not allowing political activists to use Lego to try and change the world.

Things can’t have been helped by the fact that Ai Weiwei complained about Lego’s silencing of his rhetoric. In response to this, many art galleries around the world set up Lego drop off points for people to donate their Lego to Ai. He then collected all of this for his project, something he should have done in the first place.

This Lego was used to build an anti Lego construction bemoaning the fact that Lego wouldn’t let Ai have any Lego to build a Lego protest piece against the Chinese regime.

So in response, Lego have said people can build what they want, but they will put out disclaimers to say that they do not endorse the vitriol being spouted by any artists or activists.

If I were as sick of this world as Ai, I’d just build another one out of Lego and not let anyone else live there.

I wonder if this was the reason why Lego refused to send me the five million blocks I required to build a life size replica of my genitals. Their excuse was “we don’t have enough beige blocks”. Liars!

Happy Nuke Korea

Wednesday, January 6th, 2016

kim-jong-unNorth Korea have brought 2016 in with a bang. Whilst simultaneously threatening everyone not invited to the party.

Santa must have visited The People’s Democratic Republic as they have successfully tested their very first H-bomb. This is aptly named after a popular line of Fisher Price toys according to the rest of the world’s military experts.

Heads of weapons technology from all around the world have reacted to North Korea’s attempt at a WMD with scepticism, tantamount to laughter and derision.

China have rubbished the claim that it is a legitimate H-bomb because the underground test blast and resulting seismic activity are not large enough to constitute the force of a Hydrogen bomb explosion.

Japan and the U.S agree, whilst the U.K estimate that the bomb would only be powerful enough to take out a small city.

I live in a small city and would laugh in the face of such pathetic mass murdering ability. If that weapon was launched in my direction, I’d stand right at its strike point and nonchalantly head the unit in between two jumpers that I’ve fashioned into makeshift goalposts.

I honestly think that Kim Jung Un needs to up his game with his military tech. The rest of the world literally have nothing better to do other than fly drones over ill equipped, sub standard enemies in the middle east, who could easily be defeated, only to miss them and murder innocent civilians, fuelling the enemy with more members.

That’s how bored the west is, they’re crafting their own enemies to fight using remote control flying robots while their nukes sit collecting dust. America could even afford to use Dennis Rodman as a double agent to spy on Kim Jong Un.