Archive for February, 2017

Legitamins 

Thursday, February 16th, 2017

4.5 billion years ago, an entity known as the ‘Sun’ was born. 

Shortly after birth, it invented vitamin D. This vitamin went on to play a starring role in nourishing most living entities on a planet named ‘Earth’.

In 1914, vitamin D was harnessed in pill form known as a supplement, for humans to ingest in order to boost their health. This was invented by scientists.

Science was invented approximately 9000 years ago by humans.
Around 200 years ago, the common cold virus was invented by birds and passed onto humans. 

This week (February 2017), scientists have discovered that taking vitamin D could prevent humans from contracting the cold virus. 

Now I might not be the best person to challenge this theory, however, how has it taken a 9000 year old human endeavour 103 years to discover that a supplement of a 4.5 billion year old invention could prevent a 200 year old virus? I call their research into question. 

Either they are liars, or we don’t have the best people working in medical research. 

Look at the scientists who work for L’Oréal, Olay, Garnier and all of the other cosmetic brands. They’re coming up with new innovations on a monthly basis. 

Head and Shoulders abolished dandruff in the 1970s with their scientific formula. L’Oréal discovered Boswellox in the 1990s, which quickly transformed the likes of Joanna Lumley and Helen Mirren from elderly crows into the youthful sex sirens we know today, thanks to a crack team of scientists. Simple’s scientists discovered pro vitamin B5, bringing the greasy hair of the 20th century into the millennial GHB generation.

If these guys were working in medical science, they’d have found a cure for death by now, not faffing about with vitamins and viruses. They’d have cracked that safe a century ago. 

How much are these cosmetics scientists being paid compared to their medical counterparts?

Are the likes of L’Oréal and Garnier lurking outside the gates of the best science universities, waiting for the all the first class honours students in order to snap them up for their expertise, to innovate the newest breakthroughs in eradicating split ends?

Perhaps their giant financial packages are too much for the top scientists to turn down, leaving all the dregs of the PhD graduates to pick up whatever jobs are left, like trying to cure cancer and making the world a better place to live, using science. 

I get the feeling that the corporate world might be ruining humanity. I’m not sure why I’d think that though. 

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Populism Contest

Tuesday, February 7th, 2017

The new ruler of the world is a 70 year old man with a ginger comb over named Donald Trump. 

He recently won a popularity contest by convincing people who had no money that he was one of them, even though he has more money than all of them combined. He also convinced them that his predecessors were all a corrupt establishment that he had nothing to do with, even though he personally financed all of their campaigns. 

He did this by standing on a surfboard and riding a wave named ‘populism’.

Populism is the art of supporting the concerns of ordinary people. 

It is a fantastic idea, because although ordinary people have awful educations, very few resources, issues with tribalism and violent territorial pride, politicians with access to information regarding how the world actually works should just do what the ordinary people tell them to do. A few deaths never hurt anyone.

Thankfully, a British man who used to be ordinary and worked his way up to extraordinary status, named John Bercow, who is in charge of a big house that ordinary people pay for, where politicians who’s wages are also paid for by ordinary people, has listened to the ordinary people of Britain and put his foot down. 

You see, the Queen of Britain, who is not an ordinary person, on account of falling from the vagina of some of the wealthiest land owners in the country, has invited ‘ordinary’ man: Donald Trump to open and close his mouth and make noises in the aforementioned house.
John Bercow, having listened to previous noises from Trump’s mouth that have admitted sexually assaulting women and hating brown people, has denied Trump access to his big house, even though the Queen invited him. Bercow has listened to the ordinary people of Britain who have said that Trump shouldn’t be allowed to say things in their country. 

However, another player in this game of populism is Theresa May. She was born an ordinary person and worked her way up to the job of British Prime Minister. She has very strategically aligned herself in this argument by ignoring the noises from Trump’s mouth, opening his back passage and climbing into it. She now lives between there and Downing Street. 

So now we have a stalemate in this argument. 

There are also another two players who also have keys to the big house where Trump isn’t allowed to speak: one is named Lord Fowler, who is the speaker at another big house and the other is named Lord Great Chamberlain, who has inherited the keys of the house from his extraordinary parents.

Unfortunately, these other two extraordinary men cannot do anything to usurp the populist decision made by the once ordinary man trying to appease ordinary people by using populism, in not allowing this pretend ordinary American to say populist things in the house of extraordinary people paid for by ordinary people, even though he was invited to do so by two extraordinary women.
Bercow has been accused of using populism to perform to an ordinary crowd. It is strange that Trump isn’t allowed to speak, when previous speakers have been leaders of countries who have murdered their own innocent countrymen for having opinions, and banned foreign websites just for having content on them. Basically the opposite of populism. 

I thought populism was supposed to favour the ordinary. 

Opposition leaders to the ruling party have welcomed John Bercow’s decision to ban an ally world leader from their house, even though they both harbour intentions of becoming the next Prime Minister themselves, and would be forced to work with Trump. 

Maybe they will ignore populism and murder anyone with an opinion. I don’t think I’ll be voting for them.