Gerry Adams is back, and this time he means business.
This time his business is no longer filming his silhouette while he talks using someone else’s voice. He has embarked upon writing a cookbook.
Gerry Adams is the former leader of Sinn Fein. A republican political party in Northern Ireland, who were accused of harbouring members of the IRA within their ranks.
These accusations are completely unfounded however, unlike Gerry’s cooking credentials which I know for certain are bona-fide.
How do I know this? Well, I have first hand experience of his cooking.
It was 1979 and my family and I were invited to Casa-Adams near Ballymena for Christmas Dinner.
We sat while Gerry and my father debated whether Irish whisky was better than Scotch. My father, being a proud Scotsman, insisted that the barrels of the Glen were superior to those of the Emerald Isle.
Meanwhile, my mother and Mrs Adams laughed at how preposterous men were, before harshly being told to hold their tongues.
Then, without warning, a gunshot fired. Everyone in the room sat silently still. A bell rang.
Gerry smiled and began tucking his serviette into the neck of his shirt and said “here we go now, so we do.”
Just then, the kitchen doors open. Two men walk through, they’re wearing balaclavas only exposing their eyes and mouths. They’re also wearing flared jeans, corduroy suit jackets and turtle neck jumpers. They stand at either end of the dinner table. They’re holding rifles.
Then another man, donning the same attire emerges, carrying a platter with the biggest potato ever grown. It was bigger than a goose and could’ve fed an army for three Christmases.
Gerry was invited to look through a hole in the potato. He did so and could see through to the other side. This hole was left by the gunshot we heard earlier. The potato was successfully cooked through.
My father was then invited to carve the potato. One of the men in balaclavas handed him a rifle with a bayonet fixed to the end of it. My father proceeded to carve the potato with the bayonet knife.
The joy on everyone’s faces was palpable. This celebration of Irish pride, heritage and defiance.
As proud Scotts, we were honoured to be involved. Sharing the anti English sentiment, it was what bonded every man, woman and child that night. Christmas without English goose, American colonial turkey, Brussel Sprouts or some hideous bird within a bird monstrosity, conjured up by some greedy lunatic.
We were thankful to the Adams family for their hospitality. They weren’t the scary bunch that you see on TV. They were regular people. Not to mention mean cooks.
So, now everyone else will be able to learn the cookery of anti-English defiance. Delicious food that Tommy Robinson and Nigel Farage won’t want, and can’t have anyway, the scum.
I can’t wait to host Christmas Dinner this year. Its going to be a blast.