Forget The Avengers, X-Men, Firefighters and American soldiers. There are real heroes amongst us. Real men and women who put their lives on the line every day, for just five pound sterling at your local shopping precinct, these people communicate with the dead to tell us our futures.
Futures are moments in time which haven’t yet taken place. Even as I write this piece, the next word will be written in the future. Like this word…and this word…and this one etc.
However, although those words were written in the future at the time, I knew I was going to write them, so I could easily predict what they were going to say. I didn’t need to visit the spirit realm to find out.
There are other things that happen in future that normal people cannot predict. But there are those aforementioned gifted individuals (called mediums) who can use spheres made out of a substance called Chrystal (a see through material that is better than glass, yet nowhere near as good as diamond), cards that have different pictures on them, which were made in a magical building called a ‘factory’, looking at the lines on a person’s hand, or channeling the souls of dead people who refuse to circumnavigate the universe as they’d rather interfere in the lives of the living.
Some of these gifted individuals are very famous and appear on television, such as Mystic Meg, Russell Grant, Derek Akora and Uri Geller, whereas others prefer to stay true to their roots and just stick to the live circuit. The most popular of these being the world famous Clair Voyant.
They were granted their gifts by God. God is an all powerful, omniscient, male space ghost who created the universe, but can’t be bothered to look after it any more, so he handed a select group of people the power to see the future and the distant past using the souls of departed humans.
Derek Akora is one such person who speaks to the distant departed. He and his disciple, Yvette Fielding travel the country and stand in very old buildings in the dark, while Derek uses his body as a vessel for the spirits of dead people from hundreds of years ago. It takes a while for the transmigration to take place, as the dead Shakespearean era person needs to use Derek’s mouth to speak in Scouse, so that modern people (from Liverpool) can understand them. Unfortunately, no cavemen, babies or jovial spirits can ever be found, so we’re yet to hear their side of the stories.
How do we tell who is one of these gifted persons? Well, it is simple, the men can be noticed by their mullet haircuts, shiny silk shirts and large medallions around their necks. Some even sport many rings on their fingers, including their pinky finger and thumbs. They tend to only ever be caucasian and usually claim an ethnic heritage of Roma or some other country which has never existed. The female equivalent tend to have shorter hair, glasses and big smiles.
Although, there is a natural pecking order to mediums, which means their appearance does alter from time to time. Their attire is linked to their waiting lists.
Claire Voyant seems to be at every single mall during the day and every pub in the evening, such is her workload. She has become so efficient at giving half hearted readings over the years using the cards mentioned earlier, that she has a near non existent waiting list. Her client base is the less affluent, bored of their mundane existence, desparate for something super natural to happen, simpleton.
Whereas Derek ‘The Messiah’ Akora preys on those who are just as intellectually challenged, but are in dire need of self improvement, yet not even slightly interested in addressing this, so are more preoccupied with what medieval theives may think of the modern world. As a result, him and Yvette ‘Magdeline’ Fielding swan around wearing long black leather jackets, looking very much reminiscent of a Morpheus and Neo of mediums. With a six month waiting list for their services.
I’m currently in the waiting list for Mystic Meg. However although her list is shorter than Derek’s, she talks two hundred times slower than the average person, therefore the actual waiting time is longer. I might pop along the precinct later and ask Clair Voyant if she can predict how long Meg’s waiting list will take to get to me. Then if it is longer than six months, I’ll sign up to Derek Akora’s instead.
Alternatively, I can just pay Clair a bit extra and ask her to look into the future and tell me what both Derek, and then Meg will predict for me when I ask them to look into my future. I think I’ve spotted a loophole.